Monday, February 20, 2017

Can't Hold The Pieces Any More

When you told me how you were going to wait until after to tell me to avoid my pain, I died a little more inside. And there is surprise with my mistrust. I believe it's not about avoiding my pain, but about avoiding your experience of my pain.

Colors faded more to grey, when you told me how I owed you, how you had carried me through life, and I failed you along the way.

I wanted to die a little bit more when you screamed at me that I had no dreams, which is why I had followed yours. It wasn't true you know, I had dreams. Too many dreams, so many dreams that I only ever told you pieces of the things I once wanted to be. But it never occurred to me to hold them against you, never saw them as the loss which you see all that you gave to me.

When you told me you were starting to not want to be with me anymore, it stung me to my very core. To realize that you would leave me. Truth is, in a way, you already have. You just don't want it to be true.

You tell me how I have failed you so many times along the way, and now this is your day. Mine will never come, or has long gone on, I accepted that long ago. You were my day. Eventually comes night and everything fades away.

I sit and stare at my heart on the floor.
You believe I owe you everything
and I continue to come up short on payments I never knew I owed
it's none of my business the paths you choose to walk
I'll get over it and let it go, shut my mouth and not look at the show
if I want you to stay
yet you have no intention of releasing me
you need to be free
and I'll die here on my knees
in the puddle of broken dreams.
I can't hold all of the pieces any more
so I watch them spill from my hands onto the stone cold floor
wondering why you left me on the other side of the door.

I realize now, I really was never meant to stay. Strange of you to suggest that you don't want me to go away...Truth is, I'm already gone. You chose not to take me along.

You gave me a choice--my pain or your hate. So shudder not at your discomfort with my pain.